Margot Robbie’s Barbie might have been met with blank stares when she asked her fellow Barbies, “Do you guys ever think about dying?” But if Nicole Kidman had been at that iconic Dream House party, Barbie’s existential misery would have definitely had some company. In the December issue of GQ, the Nine Perfect Strangers actress reveals that thoughts about mortality—the “devastating and beautiful and extraordinary” nature of our finite lives—frequently occupy her thoughts. So much so that she’ll startle awake in the middle of the night reeling from it all—something that is actually more common than you might think, for reasons we’ll get to in the blink of an eye.
“It’s a wake up at 3 a.m. crying and gasping kind of thing,” Kidman told the magazine. “If you’re in it and not numbing yourself to it. And I’m in it. Fully in it.”
It’s totally normal
Kidman’s experience might resonate with more people than just everyone’s favorite existential doll. Brian Licuanan, PhD., a board-certified clinical psychologist and the author of How to Get Your Resisting Loved One Into Treatment, says it’s common for people in middle age to start thinking more about death. Their own advancing age and potential onset of illnesses, as well as seeing loved ones like parents passing away, can frequently cause people to start “ruminating about mortality,” as Licuanan puts it. And while this is common for people 45 years and older, anyone who experiences loss may be more prone to these thoughts at any age.
“Typically, I see people ruminating about this specific topic because they have directly or indirectly experienced an event or know people that got them to reflect on their own lives,” Licuanan says.
This is certainly the case for Kidman. The 57-year-old has never shied away from big thoughts and emotions. However, after the recent loss of her parents, existential thoughts are occupying her more these days.
“Mortality. Connection. Life coming and hitting you. And loss of parents and raising children and marriage and all of the things that go into making you a fully sentient human. I’m in all of those places. So life is, whew. It’s definitely a journey. And it hits you as you get older,” Kidman says.
Why thoughts about mortality keep you up at night
So why doesn’t sleep keep the darkness at bay? Well, if you’re “ruminating” about something during the day, those thought patterns don’t just stop once you shut your eyes.
“If people are pre-occupied and distressed thinking about mortality, it may cause a heightened level of worry, which may initiate people to wake up in the middle of the night,” Licuanan says.
It’s actually normal to wake up in the middle of the night—you just don’t usually remember it. However, brief unconscious wake-ups can get extended into painful tossing and turning if anxious thoughts are lingering close to the surface.
Your thoughts can impact dreams or nightmares, which could wake you up in terror, even if you don’t remember those dreams. If you’re stressing about death before bed, your sleep quality might even be worse. Lower sleep quality can cause wake-ups because you are in a lighter sleep, so you are more easily disturbed.
You could also be using sleep as a way to avoid these thoughts, rather than dealing with them. So if you get ever so slightly stirred awake, the thoughts waiting for you might easily bloom back into life.
What to do if you wake up thinking about death
While thoughts about death are an esoteric form of stress, you should deal with them in a similar manner as anything else that keeps you awake in the middle of the night. Good sleep hygiene, intentional relaxation, and limiting rumination are your first lines of defense. And if you’re waking up in tears or hyperventilating like Kidman, know that you’re OK—but some serious grounding and self-TLC is in order.
“If you do wake up in the middle of the night thinking about your own mortality, it’ll be very important for you to self-soothe yourself,” Licuanan says.
1. Self-soothe with self-talk, meditation, breathing, and gratitude
Stop spiraling thoughts in their tracks with reassuring self-talk. Licuanan recommends trying mindfulness activities like breathing or meditation to “get yourself back to a relaxed state.” Actually talking to yourself—whether that’s in your head, out loud, or in a journal—could also help. “Say things to reassure [yourself] that ‘I’m OK’ and ‘I am in control, I create my own sleep, and I will fall back asleep.’”
2. Keep your bed a safe space
If these exercises don’t put your mind at ease, Licuanan strongly recommends getting up and breaking the cycle.
“Staying in bed for long periods of time awake, especially with ruminating and distressing thoughts, will start to associate the bed or bedtime with feelings such as anxiety, worry, or wakefulness which is why it is imperative to get out of bed when struggling to fall back asleep after 15-20 minutes,” Licuanan says.
Rather than tossing and turning for extended periods of time, it will serve you better in the moment, and in the long run, to get out of bed. Try reading (under low light) and give yourself compassionate permission to stay there until you feel tired again, and then go back to bed.
3. Maintain proper sleep hygiene
Using electronics in bed can disrupt sleep quality. That’s true at bedtime as well as the middle of the night. In other words, don’t avoid distressing thoughts by scrolling Instagram on your phone.
“If you need to get up due to not falling asleep after 15-20 minutes, it is imperative that you avoid electronics, TV or any type of activities that will stimulate your thoughts or body and further keep you in a prolonged wakeful state,” Licuanan says.
4. Give yourself some grace
While nobody wants to wake up “crying and gasping” at 3 a.m. thinking about death, confronting mortality is normal. In other words, you and Nicole Kidman are in good company. And since it may be driven by a recent experience or interaction, it is also, most likely an acute, temporary experience.
During the day, consider the “why” behind the worry, so that come night time, you’ll have a greater understanding of your thoughts. That might just make them seem a little less scary, and a little more, as Kidman puts it, part of being a “fully sentient human.”
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