What Are Your Sex Dreams Trying To Tell You? Here’s What To Know

Certain dreams seem to be somewhat universal. Some common themes include snakes, spiders, and, of course, sex.

Sex dreams might seem like simply the inner workings of a horny mind, for lack of a better word, but according to professional dream interpreter Lauri Loewenberg, they’re often not actually about sex at all. And not only that, but specifics matter—even the random things.

Usually, the specifics of dreams relate to some aspect of your real life and have messages or lessons woven into their symbolism. And in the case of sex dreams, Loewenberg explains, “The main thing to keep in mind is sex dreams are rarely about an actual physical union you want, but more about a psychological union.”

As she explains, you obviously already know if you want to sleep with this person in real life. “You don’t need a dream to tell you that,” she says—but if it’s someone you don’t actually feel attracted to, there’s likely something about them you admire or want to emulate.

If you’ve been dreaming about having sex with strangers or people you barely know, you might be unsure what it is about them that you like or want to embody yourself. In this case, Loewenberg suggests looking at what stands out about the dream character.

Keeping in mind that sleeping with someone in a dream often represents wanting a quality that person has, dreaming about a boss or professor might mean “you want the qualities of a boss,” Loewenberg says.

It’s not uncommon to dream about your ex, and if you’re sleeping with them, the most obvious reason is that you may simply miss them. “Especially,” Loewenberg adds, “if you’re in a dry spell or your current relationship isn’t doing it for you in that department.”

If you dreamed you slept with a friend, no, that doesn’t mean you’re subconsciously in love with them. Rather, Loewenberg says, “It can sometimes be about connecting or coming together on some level psychologically or emotionally,” adding, “Have you recently connected? Did you have an intimate, revealing conversation or discover you share the same POV or have gone through a similar experience?”

It’s fairly common to dream about having sex in public or outside, and location is important in dreams. As Loewenberg says, “The setting of a dream, no matter what’s going on in the setting, is important to pay attention to because it will typically represent where you are in life or where you are in your heart and mind.”

If you’re dreaming about having sex in the bathroom, Loewenberg says you might have “an area of your life where you need to do some cleansing and relieving.”

The kitchen is all about creation and nourishment, so if you’re having sex in a dream there, “that’s typically a good sign something is in the works,” Loewenberg says.

If BDSM (bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism) is showing up in your dreams, there are a few ways to look at it: First, consider whether you are the one dominating or being dominated in the dream, and ask yourself how you feel about it.

If you’re dreaming about oral sex, Loewenberg tells mindbodygreen that these dreams most often have to do with communication, because oral sex is done with the mouth.

“Any mouth-related dream will almost always be connected to how you’ve been communicating lately in real life. So oral sex can be about very intimate conversations,” she explains, adding that it’s important to pay attention to who is the giver and who is the receiver, “because that will be connected to who initiated—or who needs to initiate—the conversation.”

Masturbation dreams can relate to a few different things. For one, Loewenberg says, you could just be in a dry spell and your body is offering you a release. But beyond that, she adds, it could be that you’re pleased with yourself for some real life accomplishment.

If you’re dreaming about having threesomes or orgies, Loewenberg says that these dreams relate to an area of your life where there’s too much going on and you need to simplify. “It could be simply telling you that you need to focus on one thing right now. You’ve got a lot of things you want to accomplish, so just focus on one thing at a time,” she explains.

In some cases, you might dream that you’re about to have sex with someone, but then it doesn’t happen (i.e. you get interrupted or the person in the dream walks away).

While sex dreams can be fun and even pleasurable, there are, of course, cases of dreaming about unwanted advances or sexual assault, especially if you’ve been a victim of sexual violence in your past.

If you have experienced any sexual trauma, Loewenberg says nightmares about the event can be a symptom of PTSD, and should be addressed with a mental health professional.

As aforementioned, sex dreams are incredibly common—and yes, they’re entirely normal. Research even shows1 that roughly a quarter of people have a sex dream once a month! And there’s no discrimination among genders—people of all genders report sex dreams and nocturnal emissions.

As sexologist Gigi Engle previously wrote for mindbodygreen, there is no easy way to pinpoint exactly why we have the dreams that we do, “But what most experts agree on is that dreams are affected by both external factors (like temperature, sleeping position, a partner snoring, etc.) and internal factors (such as stress, anxiety, thoughts about the day, etc.).

Dreaming about sex isn’t typically someone’s worst nightmare. But, if it’s recurring, intrusive, or you just don’t want to keep dreaming about someone you don’t actually want to sleep with, Loewenberg does offer some advice.

“The best way to make a dream stop is to take action on the message it’s giving you,” she says, adding, “A dream is going to nag you and keep giving you the same message again and again until you listen and take action.”

So, if you keep dreaming about your boss, for example, “Then take the message and run with it,” she says. “Start being a boss in your own life. Start taking charge, and the dream will stop.”

To figure out the message, remember the main thing you want to do is “ask yourself, in what way do I need to connect with this person?” Loewenberg notes, as well as what it is you admire or respect about them. From there, you can start to embody whatever that quality or trait is.