Many aspects of our physical health require regular maintenance—our teeth need cleanings, our muscles need regular workouts, etc. The state of our emotional health, especially our chief relationship, is no exception. Enter the “relationship audit,” a check-in to evaluate your relationship’s strengths, weaknesses, and areas for improvement. Basically, a progress report about where your relationship currently stands. Mind you, this isn’t just for new couples; people who have been married for 30 years can benefit from these talks as much as people who just started dating.
“The idea of a relationship audit is really important because sometimes we avoid dealing with problems and hope they go away,” Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Well+Good. And, as we all know, problems don’t tend to magically go away.
Relationship audits don’t need to be overly complicated. All you have to do is schedule a time for you and your partner to talk to each other about what’s working and what’s not. We know, we know: this sounds less than ideal for those who don’t consider communication their strong suit. But these talks should get easier (and less awkward) the more you have them; they’re certainly better than the alternative. “If you don’t address problems in a relationship, some of these issues can snowball,” says Susan Albers, PsyD, a psychiatrist and psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic.
Here, experts explain how to ease the tension during a relationship audit and share tips to ensure these meetings strengthen your connection with your partner.
How to start a relationship audit
First, both you and your partner need to be relaxed—or, at the very least, not in a rush. As Albers says, “timing is everything.”
You’ll want to pick a time that works for both of your schedules. Ideally, you should choose a time that isn’t followed by a stressful event. If you’re really tense about a work meeting in half an hour, you might be less likely to have a calm, productive conversation with your partner.
Your first thought might be to sit across from each other and start chatting. But you may want to avoid this positioning. “Do something where you’re side-by-side because looking at someone head-on can feel confrontational,” Le Goy suggests. For instance, walking around the neighborhood might be a better strategy. If walking’s not your thing, consider ordering some takeout and eating it next to each other on the couch while you talk.
You don’t necessarily need to do any prep work before the meeting. But if you have a hard time staying focused during important conversations (guilty!), it may be helpful to jot down what you want to discuss beforehand. This doesn’t mean you should write detailed journal entries you’ll read aloud to your partner; a quick bullet list of topics you want to hit during the meeting will do.
What should you talk about?
It’s always nice to hear some good news, so it might be helpful to start by telling your partner what you love about the relationship (and asking them to do the same). For instance, if you’re really enjoying the dates your partner is planning, tell them that. Nobody wins when a conversation begins on a defensive note.
But you shouldn’t shy away from areas you think need some work—and you’re not doing yourself any favors by skipping the hard stuff. “The two hardest topics for couples to talk about are finances and sex,” notes Albers. “You may feel like you need to avoid them, but they should be somewhere in the list [of discussion items] during the check-in.”
Below is a brief list of broad questions to get started:
When do we work well as a team? Think about the areas in which you and your partner shine—maybe you’re a pro at hosting or budgeting—and brainstorm ways to implement that teamwork into areas of your relationship that aren’t going well.
Are we communicating well? Breakdowns in communication can cause all kinds of problems in a relationship, so it’s important to make sure you and your partner both feel heard. Consider whether the communication style(s) you and your partner use works for you (and ask your partner to do the same).
What concerns do you have about our relationship? It can be challenging to remove the rose-colored glasses, but you need to address any problems. Maybe you’re concerned that your relationship is moving too fast (or too slow) or that your partner isn’t taking your needs seriously. Whatever the issue, this is the exact time to bring it up.
What’s the next step for us? A relationship audit is a good time to ensure you and your partner are on the same page. Consider what you’re looking forward to next—such as moving in together, having a baby, etc.—and ask your partner whether they’ve thought about this milestone.
What needs to change? Once you’ve discussed the pros and cons, think about actionable ways to address the problem areas. You and your partner should leave the conversation with an understanding of how you’ll address each other’s concerns.
It’s normal if these conversations feel awkward in the beginning, but it can help to lighten things up when appropriate. “It’s important to have a sense of humor,” says Albers.
How often should I do this?
In terms of frequency, some couples may benefit from having a relationship audit once a week, while others can get by with once a quarter. If you and your partner are so busy that you have a ships-passing-in-the-night routine right now, you might need to talk more often than couples that get to sit down to dinner together each night. That’s because couples that have the luxury of spending more time together get to communicate more often, so there may be less to cover during an audit.
If you’re still skeptical, know this: These conversations may indeed feel really uncomfortable in the beginning, says Albers. However, in the end, “these questions you’re [discussing] do deepen intimacy.”
